Last year I set my foot down and said, ‘Enough!’
I needed to figure out what was standing in my way of true success. What was the deeply rooted, invisible obstacle that kept me from reaching what felt like success to me? I remained open to receiving whatever questions and path that would lead me to the answers I desired. I met a woman, Ilene Gottlieb who is known as a ‘Heart Healer’. I didn’t know what that meant or even what an Akashic Record reading was. I didn’t care. I felt a pull that I needed to be connected to her. I purchased a three-session package and went in with zero clue what to expect, what to bring to the table, or even what results would come from these sessions.
Each session built on the next like an investigation. Then the final session was EXACTLY what I was seeking… the answer. During time on the table, I was asked about the first time “fear of success” and “need for approval” showed up in my life. I heard myself say, “age three”. My mind popped in thinking, what on earth could have happened at that early of an age to stick with me? When asked about it specifically, a phrase came into my mind. At that moment, I knew… this was it! I hadn’t heard this phrase since I was a child. I had pushed it down and never thought of it since. For ten years of my life, I heard this phrase over and over, and over again. I knew exactly where it came from and who engrained it in my psyche.
The phrase: “You will never amount to anything.” It was accompanied by: “you are a spoiled brat” or “You are rotten.” From age three to thirteen, I heard those words. Even as an adult, I was reminded how I was such a stubborn, difficult child. My parents were divorced when I was nearly two-years-old, and my grandmother moved into our house to help my mother with my brother and I. The problem is that, like most people walking around on this planet, she had her own limiting beliefs, issues and childhood scares. My life’s situation at age three created the perfect scenario to bump into her issues. I was a reminder that boys were preferred over girls. I was an independent child who wanted to sleep in and opted to, therefore reflecting lack of control to her. My mother’s desire to raise her children in her own way bumped into Grandma’s ways of how a child should be raised.
There’s no excusing away anything, though. There’s the reality that I was the child who was lost and confused with no way of formulating expression, emotions or problem-solving skills for the world’s problems going on around me. I was a child who was looking to the adults to protect, love, and guide me. Period. Instead, I bumped into their issues and then shoved down and buried the ramifications of their words. And as often happens with these types of words, they became a guiding magnet in my life that was completely misaligned with my own desires, my intentions and my goals.
What to do with these limiting beliefs?
I now knew what the source of the obstacle to achieving success is. My initial reaction is, “let’s get busy and take care of shifting this!” Let’s heal me and move beyond this, so I can get my life on a guided path that serves me.
I immediately opened my journal when I got home from my session. Journal writing is the most healing tool in my tool chest of clearing, gaining clarity and getting guidance (if you know me, you know I call it my breakfast). During this time, I just purged everything that came up. So much poured out that the time became the most eye-opening revelation. One right after another…
January 6, 2018… “Good Evening, El Shaddai!” as, I always begin my time. I would write things like, ‘Beating myself up – holding myself to a high standard goes back to age 3 to 13… my Grandmother stating and telling me all those years that “I would never amount to anything”, that I was “no good” and that I was a “spoiled child.”
I shifted from talking to God / Universe (El Shaddai) to talking to my Grandmother directly. I wrote:
“How can you say such rotten things to a child?!?! Seriously! You’re the grown-up – leave the room or step away if you’re that angry.”
As I began to let the emotions pour and words writing themselves almost, I would find ‘ah ha’ moments of the ‘why’ behind my actions…
• “I became the one who provided extra income for you as an adult. “
• “I was the one who called on a regular basis as an adult.”
• “I stepped up, and even then, you told me I was such a ‘brat’ as a child – ‘a difficult child’.”
As I wrote, I realized that I didn’t do those things to be a ‘good granddaughter’. I did everything seeking approval to be ‘good enough’. I shifted to all the years I blamed my mother for my shortcomings, my inability to receive/give love and feel what it meant to be successful. I blamed her and realized it wasn’t her. She did the best she could and went above and beyond to make sure my brother and I knew we were loved.
I continued to write, wondering what would cause an adult to speak in such a way to child. Who in her childhood put on her the energy of ‘not good enough’? What beliefs and experiences would have caused one to focus on such a horrible phrase to feed a child?
I wrote for myself to myself:
“I was a great child! I was an amazing child! I loved to laugh. I loved merry go’ rounds. I loved giggling.”
I wrote about all the blessings my mother had given me that I had not recognized.
“Mom wanted love and approval, too. She turned her difficult childhood into trying to love her kids. She fought for me and she stood up for me. She hugged us and would find ways to show us she cared. No, she wasn’t perfect, either. She tried her darnedest, though.”
“I wonder who were you trying to get approvals from? Who were you trying to prove that you were good enough to and who screwed up when they should have just loved you?”
“I am extremely grateful to have this come up! I am glad to know finally why I have been blocked from attaining success. Why I set extremely high goals. I do desire to reach them but not to prove anything to you! To enjoy the journey and show myself that I am someone. I am worthy. I am deserving, I am/have amounted to be someone just by being me and I am perfect just as I am. I love who I am!”
I called my mother to read her my journal. She went on to say that Grandma used to brag about me to others and how proud she was of me. She figured out ‘who’ in Grandma’s life it was that put the pressure on her and we had a wonderful conversation. But that’s not the ending…
See, I love my Grandmother. I am thrilled to know the root of my issues, but now it’s time to deactivate this magnet and let my own perfect soul and the Spirit of God guide my life. Now is the time for the work to begin to journey to my own success.